For the record, I didn’t even change out of my pajamas from Friday night until Monday morning. So I guess I’m doing an OK job of resting!
In thinking about what I wrote on Saturday about resting, I think it could easily be interpreted as me saying [in an annoyingly whiny voice], “Oh poor me, I have to rest. I have all this help around so I’m not even doing anything but I want to. Woe is me.“ Or, it could be interpreted as me saying that I need to do the things I want to do because they’re not being done, either at all or to my satisfaction.
Neither of those things are true!
I am exceedingly grateful that Nik is able to be home for three weeks on paternity leave and that Nik’s mom, Tina, was able to be with us every day until Mark was 10 days old. I know that having this much help post-partum is an unfortunately-rare luxury for many (if not most) women. So really, me saying, “I want to do the dishes” is a luxurious thing to be able to say because I don’t have to do the dishes. (I did load the dishwasher last night though, an accomplishment of which I am very proud! )
Rather, what I was trying (and am still trying) to figure out with what I wrote on Saturday is why it’s so hard for me to rest. Why do I feel this compulsion to work when I know (and believe) that resting is the best thing for me to do? I probably should separate sewing (for me, my creative outlet) from other more mundane tasks such as housework and cooking/baking. Ultimately though, I think it all comes down to the same root cause, which is how I measure my self-worth. What am I doing, every day, to make myself feel worthwhile? Why is making milk and nurturing my newborn and my two-year-old not enough? Why do I feel the need to also accomplish other things? Is this a positive or negative thing, to feel this way? I’m not sure.
Actually, since I wrote that blog post, I really haven’t felt the urge to sew or do anything else. So perhaps, just writing down and acknowledging my desires was permission enough for me to keep resting. Ellie currently has a cold and was sick last week too. Our sleep has been more fragmented than it would already have been and I continue to need a good nap every day. I’m looking forward to the day when I don’t nod off if I hold still for a few minutes.
So, for now, I’m just planning all my future sewing projects in my head, nursing a voracious newborn, nursing a 2-year-old who needs me just as much, feeling grateful every time I hear Nik cleaning up the kitchen (among the many other things he’s doing), and learning to be content where God has placed me.